THE ONION
After years of performing both scripted and improvised comedy, I began writing spec headlines and articles for The Onion. A few were actually picked up by the satirical news site!
Mother of Missing Child Removes Child Decal from Minivan
TOPEKA, KS.– After an exhausting two-day search, Jane Wilson, mother of missing 7-year old, Katie Wilson, has made the decision to move on. “We did all we possibly could", said Wilson as she struggled to scratch the sticker residue off her 2006 Honda Odyssey. “The police said the case will remain open, but enough is enough. I have to try and get back on a routine.” Katie had last been seen operating her famous corner lemonade stand, “Life’s Lemons” on Elm and Main. Wilson went on to comment, “The next thing to go is this minivan. With one less kid, I could probably get a sedan. I’ll keep the stick figure in a drawer in case she shows up someday.”
Office Workers Still Investigating Who Just Joined Conference Call
AKRON, OH – Employees at Big Star Consulting Group are on high alert after an unknown presence joined this week’s recap call. “The conference line number and password were sent, via e-mail, to only 25 consultants that work remotely for us,” explained Project Manager, Shelly Gomez, who was visibly still upset from the incident. While discussing the weather, waiting for team members to call in, the automated host announced a new dial-in. “I welcomed them as I would any of our team members by asking, ‘Who just joined?’ I got nothing in response.” Gomez went on to explain that often, employees will mute their phones. “But this was different. There was an eerie presence listening into our strategy. I could hear a faint clearing of a throat. I didn’t recognize those coughs. Those coughs weren’t from a Big Star employee.” Gomez and CTO, Maria Katler, made the executive decision to start feeding the team false information and timelines. A follow-up e-mail was sent with a new conference call scheduled for Monday morning.